What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 08:06
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So, i spoilt her more .
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was 9 years of age.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My family never makes their pension either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What is the thing that the olden generation enjoys more than the modern generation?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Who then, do I blame.?
Why do men love to stink/being smelly?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i lived it daily.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were not on the streets..
He knew the spot.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
She found it foreign!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I waited trembling.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But, we were locked up after school.
I have no regrets .
She married twice! .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What did i know ?
It was going to be , some day.
I was seconnd youngest,
Was to survive, this bastard.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I write beautiful poetry .
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot live in the past .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
All the time i was locked up.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.